


The Darkest Hour

by der_tanzer



Series: Protective Custody [21]
Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: M/M, Rape, Squick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-23
Updated: 2010-07-23
Packaged: 2017-10-10 18:28:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/102760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/der_tanzer/pseuds/der_tanzer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A walk home from Quinlan's house turns out to be Murray's longest journey, and the darkest hour of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Four-Fifteen

**Author's Note:**

> Strong warnings for graphic and brutal rape of the sort that can't be dismissed with a simple non-con. Demons are being exorcized here and yer free to watch, but beware, it's no holds barred.
> 
> The major squick, however, is limited to chapter 1. Chapters 2 and 3 are primarily the comfort and healing part, so the comfort junkies can get by starting with chapter 2. There are more than enough details sprinkled throughout to explain what happened, and in more civil language.

Murray was walking home from Ted's when they grabbed him. It was still dark, sunrise maybe an hour away, and he never saw the man who hit him over the head, or the car they dragged him into. He didn't know anything until he opened his eyes in the basement of what he guessed was a small house, going by the close sounds around him and overhead. His head was pounding, his glasses were gone, and a wad of cloth was stuffed into his mouth and secured with tape that wrapped all the way around his head. He was lying face down on a cold surface, and after a moment he realized it was a wooden table. His arms were stretched out in front of him, his wrists taped to the table legs, but his feet were on the floor. When he tried to move his legs, he found that his ankles were also tied to the table, but with rope rather than tape. That gave him a little room to move, but to no purpose. The edge of the table bit viciously into his bony hips when he tried, and that was when he realized he was naked. Well, not totally, he corrected himself. He still had his shirts on, providing some padding between his chest and the table. But the rest of him was bare and suddenly he understood. Not the who, or even the why, but certainly the what and how.

Frantically, he threw his head back and tried to scream, but the sound was trapped in his throat, lodged behind the foul tasting rag in his mouth. All that came out was a pitiful whimper, and his struggles accomplished nothing but tearing the skin on his wrists and ankles. Then he heard a voice.

"Hey, look who's awake," said a man that Murray couldn't see, and a light came on overhead that ruined what little vision he had. His eyes watered and he squinted painfully. He heard another man laugh, a low, ugly sound, and then they were moving, their footsteps coming closer.

"Hey, little boy," the first voice said. "I bet you're wondering what's going on here, ain't you?"

Murray was a scientist and his first obligation was to the truth, so he nodded, in spite of his fear and humiliation.

"Me and my buddy saw you leaving the cop's house. We figured if you put out for a pig, you'll put out for us, right? But don't worry, we ain't gonna keep you too long."

Murray's eyes went wide with terror, and they laughed again.

"If you was a girl, we'd have to kill you. But you ain't gonna tell anyone about this, are you? Nobody'd believe you, and it'd ruin your boyfriend's career."

He drew a sharp gasping breath through his nose and let it out with a shudder.

"That's right. We're just gonna have some fun, but we'll turn you loose as soon as it gets dark. Best thing for you to do is take it like a good boy and then forget all about it, understand?"

Murray nodded, not because he believed them but because he was too stunned not to. It was so unreal, he simply couldn't process what he was hearing. It seemed like just a minute ago he was getting out of Ted's shower, dressing and kissing him goodbye. If it wasn't for the splitting headache, he would have thought this was all a dream.

Then he felt a hand on his hip, strong fingers digging in and jerking him back as if forgetting that he was tied to the table. The tape dragged on his wrists, pulling hair and tearing skin, and then an oily finger was inside him. _Vaseline_, he thought dully. _The lube of the cheap and ignorant._ He whimpered again, a lost and hopeless sound, and tried instinctively to pull away. The other man, who had somehow gotten in front of him without being noticed, slapped him across the face and Murray whimpered again but held still. A second finger slid into him, sharp and stabbing, stretching him roughly for a few seconds. When they withdrew, he was overwhelmed with relief before realizing what that meant. He heard the sound of a zipper, the wet slap of flesh as the other man jerked himself erect, but nothing could have prepared him for the horror of a strange cock shoved up his ass with all the brutality of a fistfight. He screamed again and heard it as a keening whine in his own throat. The man in front of him laughed as the one behind moaned with pleasure, rocking back on his heels to slam into him again. Every thrust pushed Murray higher up on the table, and the other man grabbed his shoulders, shoving him back to meet the invading cock with force. Trapped between them, the skinny man shrieked and wept, but all it accomplished was clogging his sinuses until he couldn't breathe.

Head throbbing, chest bursting, he pressed his face to the now-damp wood and closed his eyes. The man inside him had picked up speed, was thrusting harder, deeper, pulling Murray back by his hips as the other man pushed on his shoulders, and the stranger's hot, pulsing orgasm was the last thing he felt before he passed out again.

When he woke, it was to the sound of a television nearby, the pinging, beeping, bell-ringing of a game show, and he knew it was still early morning. He raised his head, drawing slow, steady breaths through his nose, afraid that it wasn't enough but unable to get more. He didn't want to suffocate down here, being fucked by strangers in a dirty basement. For the first time he thought of his friends who must be looking for him, and the idea of rescue filled him with hope. Oh, but he didn't want to be seen like this, bent over a table with his own blood and someone else's semen running down his legs. And what would Ted say when he found out? Why would he want to sleep with someone who had ever been tied to a table and fucked by strangers? Murray decided then and there that if he lived to leave this basement, he would let Ted go gracefully. He wouldn't fight or cry if Ted wanted out; he would say goodbye with dignity.

He was pleased with himself for being so strong, and then the TV went off and the men returned to him. This time they switched places and the one who had fucked him before held his shoulders while the other took a turn behind. Murray thought this one had a smaller prick, but it was hard to tell for sure because he was so badly bruised and torn from the first. The pain was tremendous, but not quite as deep. They still jerked and shoved his helpless body between them, making it as rough as possible, but this time he managed not to cry.

He also managed not to lose consciousness, but that wasn't such a good thing after all. As soon as small dick came, pounding him cruelly and groaning satisfaction, they switched places and big dick was shoving into him again. There was no Vaseline this time; they seemed to be relying on his blood and each other's come, but Murray didn't suppose it made any difference. Small dick had him by the hair, jerking him back and forth with a hand on his head as big dick spread his legs further and tried to get every millimeter of his thick erection through Murray's torn and bleeding hole. Murray wondered vaguely if either of them had ever taken it up the ass or if they were both purely givers. That probably didn't matter, either. Then small dick was speaking.

"Can't we take off the gag, Joe? Nobody can hear him down here, and he could be sucking my dick right now."

"Forget it," big dick panted. "If you're hard already, you can fuck him again in a minute. But I ain't gonna listen to him scream."

He forced his arm under Murray's hips and pulled up sharply, gaining an extra fraction of an inch in penetration as the ropes tore another layer of skin from his ankles. Murray groaned low in his throat, drowning in a sea of pain unlike anything he'd ever known, and again the two men laughed.

"I think he's starting to like it," small dick said.

"I know _I_ fucking love it," big dick replied and shot his load with a thrust and a grunt.

"Maybe we shouldn't let him go."

"No, we gotta," big dick said, pulling out roughly and zipping his pants. "Don't wanna have to feed him. But, since he can't say nothing to nobody, and his cop friend probably ain't gonna want him no more, we can wait for him to heal up and snatch him again later."

"That might take a while," small dick laughed, going around to take his place. "We're tearing his tight little ass up good." He shoved in hard and Murray managed not to groan this time. His hole was burned raw, his legs weak and his stomach cramping with pain, and still it went on. These men were young, maybe in their early twenties, but they still had limits and small dick seemed to be having trouble coming this time. He did as his partner had, sliding his arm between Murray's body and the table and hauling him up against his bonds, jerking him back viciously and thrusting with all his strength. Murray didn't know where his free hand was at first, maybe gripping the table, but after a few seconds it was slapping his ass, striking hard as each brutal thrust hit home.

To occupy his mind and keep from crying, Murray forced himself to count the seconds and figure out how long it lasted. Small dick took five minutes to come. Big dick was on him immediately after, and he took ten.

They left him alone after that, returning to the other side of the room out of sight and turning the TV back on. After a while Murray smelled food, some kind of fried meat, but none was offered to him. He lay on his table, feeling cold semen and warm blood trickle down his legs to pool around his feet, shivering with shock and pain so great it blocked out the fear. An unknown amount of time passed and he heard snoring, realized his captors were taking well-earned naps, and tried to tell himself that was a good thing. If they were sleeping, they couldn't hurt him.

But they woke well rested and it began again at once.

"Our little boy's a real mess," big dick laughed, smearing Murray's aching and violated hole with fresh Vaseline. Suddenly he remembered that week in the woods, the first time Ted had entered his body and how even then he'd had proper lube. He'd planned ahead, and he'd been gentle. It was sweet and intimate and he'd made Murray come screaming and sobbing his name. Then big dick was shoving inside him, tearing him anew, wrenching high pitched moans of pain and misery from his dry throat. "Fuck, yeah. He might be a stinking mess, but goddamn, he's still tighter'n hell. Come on, boy, squeeze me. Clench up that little ass and fuck me." He slapped Murray hard as small dick grabbed his bony shoulders and pushed him back to meet the brutal thrusts. Murray clenched without meaning to and fresh waves of pain sheared through his body as the man inside him bucked and groaned.

"That's better, boy. Squeeze hard or I'll be in here all day. That's it, fuck me with that tight ass. Fuck me, little boy, fucking—fuck…" He trailed off with a groan and came, still pounding away. This time he kept it up for a while, not pulling out until his dick was too soft to stay in. Murray had time to remember that Ted liked to do that, too; he liked the feel of Murray's tight, silky heat, wet with his own spend, gripping and releasing his hyper-sensitive cock in post-orgasmic ripples of pleasure. This man didn't get that, though. He got the tight, wet, silky heat, but not the uncontrollable spasms of Murray's body in ecstasy. These men had probably never felt another body's pleasure, and they would certainly never feel his. Big dick shoved at him a few times with his useless member, just to see Murray flinch and writhe in agony, and then small dick was pushing into him again. He made himself stop thinking of Ted, unwilling to associate all of his good memories with this experience, and began counting seconds again. Small dick lasted for six hundred and ninety-two before his shuddering groan indicated he was at an end. The only mercy was that he pulled out quickly. He wasn't one of those who liked to feel too much.

They came back to him five more times during that unending day, each one taking a turn while the other held Murray's head or shoulders and forced him to participate. Ten more times, he was opened up and violated, torn apart and then left to bleed while his tormenters slept or watched TV. But after the last time, it was full dark, well past ten p.m., and when they were finished they cut the bonds from his wrists and ankles. One of them tore off his gag, pulling out hair from the back of his head, then put his pants back on him and dragged him out to their car. Without his glasses, and now in the dark, Murray couldn't really tell where they were. He caught a glimpse of the house number, illuminated by the porch light, and squinted to make it out. Four-fifteen. And the house was red. He didn't know what street they were on, but it was something.

The two men stuffed him into the backseat and wrapped a blanket around his head so he couldn't try to look for landmarks. Murray had no choice but to take it, as he had taken all the rest. His body was stiff to the point of immobility from being in the same position all day, and the blood loss combined with having nothing to eat or drink left him feeling vague and fuzzy, on the verge of passing out. So he lay still and repeated the number in his head, over and over. _Four-fifteen. Four-fifteen_. Ted might not ever touch him again, but he would still want to get those guys and Murray owed it to him, to both of them, to be all the help he could.


	2. Big and Small

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a bit squicky, but in an aftermath sort of way. No depictions of rape, but some cold-blooded murder from an unexpected source.

No one had noticed that Murray was gone. They'd missed him, of course, but Ted had taken the day off to work around the house and assumed that Murray, who didn't care for that kind of thing, was at home, whereas Nick and Cody thought he was spending the day with Ted. Both sides were put out with him for not getting in touch, but not enough to go looking for him. So the guys were in bed aboard the _Riptide_, when Ted, who was on his sofa watching TV, heard a small scrabbling sound at his door, like a dog scratching to get in. He ignored it at first. He didn't have a dog and he didn't feed strays, but it went on for long minutes, repetitive, almost a pattern.

Ted got up and flipped on the porch light, hoping that would scare whatever it was away. But the scratching changed to a faint knock, a clearer pattern, and cold fear clutched his heart. He yanked the door open and was temporarily immobilized by the sight of his lover's thin body, crumpled on the steps.

"Murray, Jesus," he whispered, kneeling down and taking the pale face in his hands. "Baby, what happened?"

"Water," Murray croaked in response. "Please…water."

"Oh, holy fuck," Ted muttered, gathering him in his arms. As soon as he got close enough to lift Murray, he understood. He could smell it on him, stale sex and blood, and his knees threatened to buckle with every step as he carried his lover inside. He was quick to put Murray down on the couch, afraid of hurting him and needing time to compose himself. _Water_. That was what he wanted. But even that wasn't exactly simple.

"Murray, baby, can you hear me?" he whispered, crouching by his head. A small nod answered him and he went on. "Did they beat you? Do you think you have any internal injuries?"

"No beating," Murray said without opening his eyes. "But I'm hurt. Hurt inside."

"Yeah, I know," Ted nodded, stroking his cheek softly. "I know. I just can't give you any water if you're bleeding in your chest or your belly. Can you tell me that?"

"No. Not—not bleeding there."

"Okay. I'm gonna get you some water, and I'm gonna call an ambulance. Do you want me to call Nick and Cody now, or wait and do it at the hospital?"

"No hospital," he sighed, shaking his head. "Just water. No hospital."

"I can't do that, baby. You need a doctor as bad as anyone I ever seen."

"You'll be humiliated."

"Better than you bleeding to death on my couch." Ted kissed his bruised mouth softly and got up, went to the kitchen to phone for the ambulance, and splash a little water on his face before filling a glass for Murray. This must be a nightmare, but he couldn't seem to wake up, so he would have to deal with it as if it was real.

He held Murray's head up and poured a little water into his mouth. Murray swallowed greedily, drank the whole glass, and then clutched his stomach with a moan. Ted knew that sound and ran to the kitchen for a bucket. He got back just in time for Murray to vomit up the water, making Ted hope desperately that they were right about the internal injuries.

"I'm sorry," Murray groaned. "I'm so sorry." But it was easier to speak now that the water had soothed his throat, both going down and coming up.

"It's okay, baby. Everything's okay." He put the bucket aside and resumed stroking Murray's face.

"You don't want to touch me, Lieutenant."

"Yes, I do."

Murray started crying then and Ted slipped one arm behind his shoulders, cradling him close.

"Don't tell them anything," he whispered. "I don't want the police involved."

"Baby, I _am_ the police."

"And it'll ruin you. Just say you don't know me, and I'll pretend I don't remember anything. Please, Ted."

"Murray, baby, no," he said, pressing the thin face to his chest. "Whatever happened to you, someone's gonna pay."

"No, Ted. They—they chose me because I'd have to keep quiet. They know about us. Please, you can't say anything."

"Who? Who's _they_?"

"You can't do anything."

"The hell I can't. Tell me what you know. I won't file a report if you tell me right now. No one else will have to know."

"Two guys grabbed me when I was walking home. I couldn't see much—they broke my glasses in the street. One was called Joe and the other was Dan or Don—I'm not sure. Took me to a red house, maybe five minutes away. Four fifteen."

"Four fifteen? Is that the address?"

"I think so. I don't know the street. Please, Ted, don't get involved." But he was remembering what the men had said—that they would wait for him to heal and grab him again. Well, he would leave town, then. Anything would be better than getting his one true love mixed up in this disgrace.

"It's all right, baby. We'll just take care of you for now."

"Ted, those men…" He paused and gasped for breath. "Ted, they—they…"

"I know, baby." He held on tighter, one hand going to Murray's wrist, feeling the adhesive residue and abraded skin.

"No you _don't_."

"Sure I do. They tied you up and fucked you. Baby, I knew that as soon as I saw you on the steps."

"Oh, God," he moaned, hiding his face in the folds of Ted's shirt.

"It's gonna be okay," Ted whispered, tipping his head back with one hand and kissing him softly. "Murray, I love you and it's gonna be okay."

Murray broke apart then, sobbing his heart out, crying and dying in his lover's arms, barely hearing Ted's attempts to soothe him.

When the ambulance got there, Ted had to let him go to open the door, and when he returned to Murray's side, the other man had managed to stop crying.

"What happened here?" asked a medic whose nametag read _Sam_.

"It didn't happen here. Kid's a friend of mine. I found him on the front steps. I don't know where he's been or what happened to him."

"All right," Sam said, edging around him. "Can you stand back, sir?"

Ted moved to the end of the sofa and sat down by Murray's bare feet.

"You found him on the porch?" Sam asked. "Why didn't you call the cops?"

"He asked me not to. Anyway, I am a cop. Depending on what happens at the hospital, I can still call in more."

"You're Lieutenant Quinlan, aren't you?" asked the other medic, Dave.

"Yeah, that's right. And he's Murray Bozinsky; lives over at the pier."

"Okay, I know this guy," Dave said. "Computer nerd. Jesus."

"Shut up and get me the drug box," Sam snapped. Then he turned to Murray. "Sir, can you hear me?"

Soft brown eyes opened on him, blind without his glasses and glazed with pain.

"Mr. Bozinsky, can you tell me what happened to you?" Sam asked as he wrapped the blood pressure cuff around Murray's skinny arm.

"I'm not sure," he muttered, sounding more groggy than he felt. "I went out for a walk early this morning and someone—someone grabbed me off the street. Hit me over the head with something. I don't remember anything until I woke up here."

Sam checked his BP, found it almost unreadable, and glanced at the spreading blood stain on the sofa. The guy was lying, there was no doubt about that, but he wasn't surprised. He'd seen a few men in this condition and they always lied. What was more, no one ever cared.

"Dave, grab me a bag of Ringers," he said, and asked Ted to hold Murray's arm so he could start an IV. Dehydration had shrunk the veins and it took him three sticks to get one. "That's a long time to be unconscious, Mr. Bozinsky. Does your head hurt?"

"Yes. I—I woke up a couple times. It was dark and I couldn't move. Then they put me in a car. I don't know why they brought me here."

"Sick fuckers like that, who knows," Quinlan said. "Probably a little _screw you_ to the cops, right?"

"I've seen worse," Sam nodded. "Dave, go get the gurney. We need to roll."

Ted almost asked if Murray was going to be all right, and then Sam was squeezing the Ringer's bag, forcing the fluid to run faster. He got up and went out to help Dave with the gurney. When they got back, Murray had passed out again.

***

At the hospital, Ted flashed his badge and pretended that there was going to be an investigation so he could be present in the exam room. Murray faded in and out but was never completely conscious and, scared as he was, Ted was glad of it. The bleeding was still severe, and the smell appalling. He stood back and pretended to be disinterested—he was getting good at pretending things today—but inside his heart was breaking. When Murray went to surgery, Ted went out to the waiting room and put a dime in the phone.

"Who's this, Cody? It's Ted. I'm down at the hospital and I think you better come."

***

"You mean no one knew where he was all day?" Nick asked in disbelief.

"I was painting the kitchen cabinets and he didn't want to stick around for that. Said painting indoors made him sick. He always walks home, you know, so I figured he was there."

"And we thought he'd be hanging out with you since it was your day off," Cody said miserably. "Damn it, why didn't we check? He never stays gone all day without calling."

"Yeah, I don't know. We couldn't have found him and getting the police in it might have just made things worse."

"You mean the police aren't in it?" Nick said, his disbelief only increasing.

Ted looked around, made sure no one was listening, and lowered his voice.

"There's not much the law could do. He's been raped, for God's sake. By at least two guys. You know what they'd do to him in court? He'd be outed and humiliated and we'd still never get a conviction."

"How do you know?" Cody insisted. "They might believe him."

"Bullshit. They'd say it was you two, or maybe all three of us—that we were playing around and things got out of hand. The only thing that'd happen is we'd all end up leaving town. But Murray, he's famous. He has an international reputation, which means there's nowhere for him to go."

"Oh, fuck," Cody moaned, sinking back in his chair. Nick wanted to pound on something, or _someone_, but when he saw the expression on his lover's face, he just put his arm around him and sighed. "So that's it? Murray's having surgery and those guys are getting off scot free?"

"No, they ain't getting off. You two just forget about that part. It's none of your concern. Your job is gonna be taking care of Murray."

"Isn't that your job, too?"

"I think it's probably gonna take all of us."

***

Murray woke the next morning to a dim hospital room and fiery pain that brought back in a heartbeat why he was there. He tried to sit up and the world swam away in a grey fog. Then a cool, strong hand was cradling his neck, supporting his head as the bed was raised, and the room came swimming back.

"Who's there?" he whispered hoarsely.

"It's me, baby. Just lie still a minute. You're gonna be okay."

"Ted? What—what are you doing here?"

"What do you think? I been here all night. Cody and Nick were here, too, but they went to get breakfast. You want some water?"

"Please. Ted, I'm sorry," he began and was hushed by a gentle fingertip against his lips.

"Wait a minute. Let's get you a drink before you start talking a mile a minute. The doctor said you almost died last night, between the blood loss and the dehydration. You're supposed to drink as much as you can."

"I wish I _had_ died," Murray whispered and didn't see how Ted flinched, his spine stiffening, spilling a little of the water as he poured. Then he turned around and lifted Murray's head in his hand again.

"No you don't. Baby, it's gonna be okay. I know you're hurting right now, but it'll get better, I promise."

"You—you can't promise that. Ted—"

"I can promise anything I damn well please, and what's more, I can make it happen. You're gonna heal up and get on with your life, and I'm gonna be right there with you."

"You don't want that," he whispered, and was silenced when Ted put the cup to his lips. He drank until the cup went away and then closed his eyes again. "When people find out…"

"No one's finding out. The doctors can't talk, they have laws about that, and I won't say anything."

"But those men are still out there. They—they said they'd come back for me."

"That ain't happening, either. Baby, it'll be okay. You know if I say that, I'll make it happen. You _know_ that, Murray."

"But you can't. Not this time. What if I have AIDS, Ted? Or what if I don't, but I'm too messed up to ever make love again? You—you can't fix me, and I—I'm so scared of losing you. But I can't make you happy anymore."

"Sure you can. You're my little geek, aren't you? Nobody else can make me happy like you can."

"But—but what about—what about…?" He choked and Quinlan sat down on the bed, lifting him up and holding him close. Murray pressed his bruised face to Ted's neck and struggled not to sob.

"Don't you worry about all that today. You'll have the blood tests, and we'll wait and see how you feel when you've had some time. If you don't ever want me inside you again, that's fine. I understand and I won't blame you."

"You—you won't?"

"Murray, would you? If it was me in this bed, would you blame me for it?"

"No, but it wouldn't ever _be_ you. You're big and tough and—and strong…"

"Maybe now," he whispered, kissing Murray's ear softly. "But I was small once."

"Really? No, you're making that up."

"I wouldn't lie to you, baby. So when I promise that I'm not going to leave you, no matter what, you know I mean it."

"But what if I have AIDS? Guys like that, I really could."

"Then we'll use condoms. Murray, it's okay. We'll work it out."

"And if they come after me again?"

"They won't. I'm gonna take care of that personally, and that's another promise."

"Ted…"

"You forget about them from now on. They don't exist anymore."

Murray sank into his embrace with a sigh and Quinlan rocked him as he wept. After a long time he went to sleep, and only then did Ted lay him back down on the bed. He was still sitting there when Nick and Cody came in a while later, still holding Murray's hand, his eyes red with unshed tears.

"How's it going, man?" Nick asked, laying a friendly hand on his shoulder.

"He was awake for a few minutes. He's pretty upset. Talking about AIDS and some threat those guys made about picking him up again."

"Holy Christ," Cody groaned, reaching for Nick's free hand.

"Don't worry," he said grimly. "That ain't gonna happen."

"You sound pretty sure. I thought you weren't calling the police in," Nick said.

"I don't need police to take care of this. Look, I need to step out for a minute. You guys okay to stay with him until I get back?"

"Sure. Sure, we'll stay. But you better be here when he wakes up."

Ted nodded and got up, laying Murray's hand carefully on the bed. He left the room so quickly that the others wondered if they'd offended him somehow. But when he hadn't returned after ten minutes, Cody went to find him. He checked the restroom, the cafeteria, and the main waiting room, then began looking in hidden corners. He found Ted in one of those, sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, so like Murray when he was sad. But Cody had never seen Ted cry, had never guessed such a thing was possible, and nearly turned and ran. But that wasn't right. He couldn't abandon anyone in this much pain.

Cody went to him and knelt by his side, placing his hand carefully in the middle of Ted's back, as if afraid of having it bitten off. Ted started to draw away, and then moved into his arms instead. Cody had never expected to find himself in the position of comforting a sobbing Ted Quinlan, but it made sense. For a moment he allowed himself to imagine Nick in that bed, hurt and humiliated, and his heart broke a little. Nick was so strong, it would destroy him. But Murray had been strong, too, in his way, and this would shatter him, as well. It was a tragedy, and Ted mustn't be allowed to go through it alone any more than Murray should. So Cody held him and they cried together, in the corner, out of sight.

***

Ted went back to work on Monday and Nick and Cody took turns staying at the hospital with Murray during the day. Ted came over after work and spent the nights, holding Murray's hand in the dark and telling him over and over that everything would be okay. By the time Murray went home, he was starting to believe it.

The first day he was home, he sequestered himself in his cabin and Ted promised to come over for the night. But first he had something to do. Murray accepted his word that it was business and it wouldn't take long. He should be there well before dark.

Ted went home after work and dug a silenced pistol out of the back of his closet. He'd had it for years, illegally purchased after the war when he first became a cop, in case he ever needed a drop gun to clean up a mess. He had an address on a scrap of paper, four fifteen Primrose, where a Joe White lived with an unnamed roommate. Ted drove by it before sundown to make sure it was red, and then parked around the corner until dark. It was after nine when he knocked on the door and a half-drunk man opened it, laughing at something some unseen person was saying. He was so drunk he didn't recognize Ted, or the significance of his thick leather gloves.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Never mind who I am. Are you Joe White?"

"What's it to you?"

"Is that a yes?"

"I guess it is," he said and laughed uproariously. "Whoever the fuck you are, you want a drink?"

Ted grinned and stepped inside.

"Who's your friend?"

"That's Don. Any friend of mine is a friend of Don's, right? Hey, Don, come meet our new drinking buddy."

Ted closed the door and subtly herded Joe toward the center of the room. When Don came out of the kitchen carrying a six pack, he recognized Ted at once.

"Holy shit," he cried, dropping the beer as Ted pulled his gun.

"That's right. You guys know a friend of mine, don't you? Murray Bozinsky?"

"Shit," Joe said, finally catching on.

"Yeah. So why don't you guys show me this basement I've heard so much about?" He had to wave his pistol a bit, but they finally turned and headed for the basement door. Joe kept looking back over his shoulder, but Don just stared at the floor at put one foot in front of the other.

Ted frog marched them down the stairs, closing the door behind them, and all the way over to the table where he could still see Murray's skin stuck to the shreds of tape. Blood had dried on the floor where they hadn't even bothered to clean it up, and for a moment Quinlan was so angry he could hardly see.

"What are you looking at, cop? You gonna tie us to the table? Gonna try and make us scream like your little boyfriend did? Or do you just want to hear about it?"

"You're a pretty big talker for a guy who's looking at serious jail time. At the very least."

"We ain't going to jail. Who's gonna believe he didn't ask for it? Fagboy like him probably asks all over town. No one's gonna do a thing about it."

"You're half right. You might not go to jail, but someone's gonna do something." Ted raised the pistol and shot him in the stomach. Don let out a frightened moan and broke for the door. Ted shot him in the back before he went three steps, then shoved the gun in his pocket and peeled off his gloves. He pulled on a pair of latex gloves, drew two vials from another pocket and filled them with blood, one from each of the weakly struggling men. Then he put the vials in a plastic bag with the latex gloves, and put the leather ones back on. He shot both men in the head, dropped the totally unremarkable pistol on the floor, and climbed back up the stairs. He left no fingerprints in the house, and no one saw him leave.

***

Murray was lying awake in his cabin, Nick by his side and Cody standing guard in the salon, when Ted finally arrived.

"Where the hell have you been?" Cody hissed in a whisper. "He's been in a panic for the last hour, thinking you weren't coming. How could you do that on his first night out of the hospital?"

"I had something I had to do. But he wasn't alone, and I'm here now. Is he all right?"

"Other than the aforementioned panic, sure. Nick gave him a tranquilizer but he wouldn't go to sleep and we were afraid to push the dose. Now what did you have to do that was more important than that?"

"Nothing you want to be implicated in," Ted said shortly and went below before Cody could argue further.

Nick tried to start the same argument when he appeared in the stateroom, but Murray's overwhelming relief made him give it up. If he didn't care, Nick wasn't sure it was his place to.

"It's about time," was all he said as he rose to leave. "We're glad you could make it."

"Put a sock in it, Ryder. And get out of here."

Nick kissed Murray on the forehead, making him blush with pleasure, and gave Ted a stern look on his way out the door. Ted ignored it and went to Murray's side, sitting down on the edge of his cot.

"You didn't put your jammies on," he said, reaching out and brushing Murray's hair back from his forehead.

"I was waiting for you. I—I was afraid you wouldn't come and I might—I didn't want to be undressed if you didn't."

"But Nick was here. He'd look after you, wouldn't he?"

"It's not the same."

"No, it isn't," Ted agreed, beginning to unbutton Murray's shirt. "But you knew I'd be here. I promised, right?"

"Yes, I guess I did. But—but where were you? You got off work almost two hours ago."

"I had something to do."

"Something more important than being with me?"

"As important, maybe," he shrugged, sliding Murray's shirt off. "Baby, I found those men."

Murray gasped and stiffened, the color falling out of his face.

"No. No, Ted, what did you do? Did you arrest them? Lieutenant, you promised."

"No, I didn't arrest them. But I did talk them into giving me blood samples. That's what took so long. I had to take the blood over to the police lab. One of the techs there is—sympathetic. He's closeted, married with two kids, but he helps us out when he can."

"Blood? Ted, they let you draw blood?"

"Let's say yes. So we'll know in a couple weeks if either of them has HIV."

"Thank you," he said humbly. "But that means I still have to be celibate for six months, until I get tested again. That's not a very good deal for you, is it?"

"Not celibate, kid. Just careful. But I ain't going to pressure you. If you want to wait that long, or longer, it's up to you."

"Well, they say you can't transmit it by kissing," Murray said thoughtfully. "It needs living cells to feed on and saliva isn't alive. So long as neither of us has open mouth wounds, it's safe enough."

"They didn't kiss you, did they?"

"No. They didn't touch me at all except—well, they hit me some." His hand went to the fading bruise on the left side of his face and he blushed almost painfully.

"I know. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you."

"You're here now." Murray got up and stripped off his jeans, then got back into bed in his boxers.

"No jammies tonight?"

"You'll keep me warm, won't you?"

"Sure." Ted undressed and lay down beside him, pulling the blankets over them both. He turned on his side and Murray slid into his arms, savoring their first full-body contact in almost three weeks. Ted dug his hand into Murray's hair, cradling his head but not pulling his hair, knowing that the abductors had done that and he might not ever be allowed to again. Murray relaxed and let him guide their mouths together, kissing softly at first, getting used to each other again. Then Ted was bearing him down, still gentle, still sweet, and Murray opened to him, hungry for his warmth and love. Quinlan's tongue in his mouth, his hand on Murray's nipple, reminded him of how good human contact could be and he arched into it, craving more. Ted let his hand slide down the thin body, slow and easy, tasting Murray's hesitant excitement and giving him plenty of opportunity to resist. He caressed the soft belly, noting that it was somewhat more concave than before, and touched the elastic waist of Murray's shorts very casually, just enough to feel that the fabric was tenting over a growing erection.

He raised his head to ask if that was okay, and Murray panted a soft yes that changed to a groan of pleasure as Ted stroked him through his shorts. Murray was nervous, that much came through in the tremble of his body, but he wasn't afraid. He knew he could signal Ted if it got to be too much; his lover would understand. But when it would be too much was still unknown.

"Still okay?" Ted whispered, easing his hand under the elastic. He was answered with another soft _yes_, this one trailing into a drawn out hiss as Ted's fingers moved lightly over his shaft. "Keep talking to me, kid. Let me know you're all right."

"I'd rather keep kissing you, Lieutenant." He let Ted pull his shorts off and spread his legs in invitation. Ted cupped his testicles as Murray wrapped his hand around Ted's neck, drawing him close again. He licked Murray's lips softly, tasting him thoroughly as his strong hand tickled and explored. Murray sighed and moaned beneath him, letting him know without words that they were still on solid ground. It didn't begin to get shaky until Ted let his finger slide under Murray's sac and over his sensitive hole. Murray gasped sharply, his spine stiffening, but his reaction wasn't all fear. Ted also felt his lover's cock throb against his forearm and knew he still enjoyed that touch. He slid up the length of Murray's shaft again, collecting pre-come on his fingertip, and used it to slick his scarred pucker. Murray sighed into his mouth, lifting his hips to rub his cock against Ted's arm. The gentle pressure of the fingertip was sweet, reminiscent of better days and more passionate acts, but his heart fluttered with sudden nerves.

Twisting his head away, he whispered Ted's name and the questing finger retreated at once. There were no questions, no accusations, and no hesitation. He just hugged Murray close, easing him over on his side, and pressed their bodies together. Murray thrust experimentally against him a few times, feeling out his gentleness and good intentions, before carefully draping one leg over Ted's hip. Ted's hand traveled up and down his back, stroking firmly as they moved together, enveloping him in heat and pleasure without ever touching his ass.

"I love you," Murray breathed softly. "Lieutenant, I love you so much."

"Love you, too," Ted groaned, sliding one hand between them and stroking him to a swift climax. Murray's eyes flew open, wide and startled, and he was suddenly trying to shove Ted away. Ted released him, terrified that he'd somehow hurt his vulnerable lover, and was surprised to see Murray scrambling for a towel to wipe himself off. "Could just wait until I'm done," he suggested, trying to sound flip. Murray's hands were shaking and Ted couldn't tell if it was fear or just the natural tremble that always followed his orgasms.

"I didn't mean to let that happen," he said, his voice unsteady and clogged with tears.

"No? I kinda thought it was the point."

"But I'm not—I might not be—clean."

Ted snatched the towel from his hands and dropped it on the floor.

"I told you to forget about that," he said harshly. "The first tests were negative and you know it's not likely they just picked it up."

"But it's possible."

"And I also told you I don't care. Anyway, I won't get it from you coming on my stomach."

"But it's too big a chance," Murray persisted, even as Ted took his hand and placed it on his own erection.

"No, it ain't. So what if I get sick? If I get it from you—baby, I'd rather go with you than be left behind."

"That's terrible logic, Lieutenant," he sighed, stroking the hard shaft firmly. "Even the same strain works differently in different people. You could die in a matter of months while I linger on for years. Or I could die first and leave you infected and ostracized, with no job and no friends to take care of you."

"Your friends wouldn't step in and help me out?" he teased, placing his hand over Murray's and setting a rhythm that would make him come.

"Of course they would. But that doesn't mean it's worth risking." He leaned in and kissed Ted before he could argue further, sucking his tongue until he came, then swallowing his cries. This time Ted reached for the towel himself, and when Murray tried to protest his using the same one, told him to shut up.

"This is supposed to be about intimacy, right?" he said, a little more gently. "If it was just about getting off, I could do that at home by myself."

"But it's better with me, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is, and that's why. Because I love you, and you're warm and alive. If we're all wrapped up in rubber and plastic, then I may as well be at home again."

"Is it really that bad? There's still hands and kisses and conversation. Unless my talking ruins it for you."

"No, kid, I like the talking. But if you ever decide to let me inside you again, I want the full experience. Not just tight and hot, but wet and silky, too. I never feel closer to you than when I'm _feeling_ the inside of your body."

"I—I know," he said shyly. "I like that, too. But I don't want to hurt you."

"I know you don't. But I been reading about this," he went on, lying back and cradling Murray on his shoulder. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but the virus passes through the thin tissue, the mucous membrane, right?"

"Right."

"But if the guy on the bottom is infected, it can't pass to the guy on top, right?"

"Well, not usually. Only if the guy on the bottom is bleeding and the guy on top has an open wound or a sore of some kind. If you had herpes, say, and tore me like—like…"

"Shh, it's okay," Ted murmured, petting him tenderly. "See, that's what I thought. You know I wouldn't ever be that rough with you, and I ain't ever gonna come up with sores like that."

"You've never even thought of being on the bottom, have you?"

"Not seriously. Not since—well, I did it once. And I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to again."

"When you were small?" Murray asked hesitantly and he nodded. "Did he make you bleed?"

"You better believe it. I didn't go to no doctor, neither. Murray, I've pushed you into a lot of things I wouldn't ever do myself, and I never told you how much I admire you for—well, for being stronger than me."

"Strong enough to let you push me around?"

"Strong enough to bend. You're a brave kid and I love you for it."

"I love you, too. And I will want to sometime. Just not right away."

"Scared or sore?"

"A little bit of both. Ted, I don't ever want to feel that kind of pain again. It's just the worst thing in the world. Worse than getting shot, even."

"I know. It's been over forty years since I last felt it and I never could take the chance on it again. Probably never will, and that's a shame. It ain't fair to you."

"I'm not worried about fair. I like things fine the way they are, and I don't want to do anything that you don't want."

"You're better than I deserve, baby. But I ain't complaining."

Murray laughed and snuggled more into his shoulder, kissing the nearest bit of skin and smiling at the taste of salty sweat.

"I think I'm falling asleep, Lieutenant."

"Good. I'll be here when you wake up."

He was true to his word, though Murray woke quite a bit earlier than they'd planned.  
   
***

It was a little after two in the morning when Murray sat up in bed, screaming and fighting the man who held him. In his dream, he was lying across a table rather than in his own cot, and the strong arms that held him were tape around his wrists. It was the sound of his own voice that brought him back to himself, loud and strong without a muffling gag. He fell back against the wall, panting for breath, and then Ted was pulling him close, crushing him to his chest and whispering reassuring words.

Just as he was getting some kind of control, the door flew open, the light came on, and Nick and Cody were there, looking as scared as Ted felt.

"What happened?" Cody cried, stumbling halfway into the room before stopping short. The two men in the bed were naked and he knew he and Nick shouldn't be seeing this. Murray was in Ted's lap, his face hidden against the thick neck, the blankets tangled around their legs and hanging half off the cot.

Ted looked up briefly and tried to smile.

"Just a nightmare, that's all. He's okay." Ted pulled the blanket back up around their waists, moving casually so Murray wasn't alarmed, or even aware. Cody went to them then, Nick following close behind, and laid his hand on Murray's shoulder. He expected his nervous friend to be startled but got no response at all.

"Is that right, buddy? Are you okay?"

"Yes, Cody," he whispered, turning half toward him but not raising his head. "It was just a dream." But his eyes were red and swollen, and when Ted brought one hand up to his face, Murray hid under it gratefully. Cody rubbed his shoulder briefly, then stepped away.

"All right, Ted. You know where we are if you need anything."

"That's it?" Nick hissed as Cody turned off the light and closed the room.

"Why not? Ted's got it under control and he's the one Murray needs right now."

"Yeah?" Back in their cabin, Nick took off his robe but didn't get into bed. "They were naked, Cody. He's out of the hospital for seven hours and Ted apparently thinks he needs to get laid. Does that sound right to you?"

"Jeez, Nick, calm down. Just because they were naked, that doesn't mean Ted was doing anything to him. And whatever he was doing, I'm sure it's what Murray wanted."

"Right, that's what a guy wants after he spends three weeks in the hospital recovering from eighteen hours of tag team rape: a night getting screwed by Ted Quinlan."

"Nick, stop it. We don't know anything about it, except that Murray wasn't crying when we got there. Look," he went on, grasping Nick's hand and pulling him toward the bed, "think about how you'd feel. Murray's scared, you know that. He's always been insecure about his body, he's always felt unattractive, and this has just made it worse. Maybe lying there naked, skin to skin, comforts him. Maybe having Ted treat him like nothing's changed is a _good_ thing."

"Yeah, maybe," he said reluctantly. "I just—I hate the idea of someone else taking care of him. Ever since they got together, ever since he got shot while we were in Mexico, I've felt like we're losing him."

"Losing what? He's right here, Nick. He's still our partner, he's still our best friend."

"But his heart's not in it."

"No, his heart's broken. And the sooner Quinlan puts it back together, the sooner we get our Boz back."

"We'll never get him back," Nick said with finality. "He'll never be the same again."

"None of us will," Cody sighed and hugged him close. "But he'll always be our friend. Please, Nick, it's okay. Let Ted get him through this and we'll pull it together. It'll be okay somehow."

In Murray's cabin, Ted was saying similar things. He was lying down again, Murray's thin body sprawled over him, held tight in his arms, the blankets tucked around them both.

"I'm scared, though," Murray whispered. "I want things to be like they were before, and that can't happen. I can't ever go back."

"I know, baby. But that's always true. When you left the corporate world and came out here, when you decided to be with me—you couldn't take any of that back, either. Or if you did, it still would've left you changed."

He nodded silently and for a while the only sound in the cabin was their quiet breathing and the whir of computer fans. Then he spoke again, hesitant but unafraid.

"You really killed them, Lieutenant?" He'd seen the story in the paper about the unsolved murder, seen his captors' faces in black and white, but he still liked to hear it, the way children liked the same bedtime stories over and over.

"I really did. I killed them and I took their blood for you. I'd do _anything_ for you, Murray."

"I love you so much," he sighed, raising up to kiss Ted's cheek.

"I know, baby. I love you, too."

***

Murray was coming out of the head after his shower the next morning when he heard his friends arguing in the salon. It sounded like it had been going on for a while and he paused to try to get a handle on their positions.

"Look, Ted, I'm just saying maybe you aren't the _only_ one who can help him get through this," Cody said, not unkindly.

"Because I'm the one who got him into it?" Quinlan asked dryly, and Murray felt a sudden paralyzing cramp of fear.

"That's right," Nick agreed. "If you weren't so afraid of being seen with him that he had to walk home in the middle of the night, none of this would have happened. So just what do you think you can do about it?"

_Oh, Nick, no_, Murray thought, helplessly. _Don't hurt him, please._ But still, he couldn't move.

"I'm doing everything I can. What more do you want from me?"

"Maybe you need to back off a little," Nick said, and Cody and Ted responded in unison, their voices raised but still unintelligible. "Well," Nick continued in his own defense, "if last night is any indication, whatever you're doing isn't helping with his nightmares."

"That ain't fair," Ted replied, his voice taut and brittle. "Kid's gonna have nightmares for a long time after a thing like that. Maybe forever. And maybe I don't know exactly what he needs, but what he _doesn't_ need is someone making his decisions for him."

"From what I saw last night, you're the one making the decisions."

"You don't know what you saw."

"I know enough."

Nick's voice was low and dangerous, signaling that he was on the verge of something that couldn't be taken back, and that broke Murray's paralysis. He stumbled up the stairs in a rush, dropping his towel and losing one slipper on the way. Everyone stopped talking the second they heard him coming, but it was too late. Murray staggered in and put himself between Ted, who sat in one of the rattan chairs, and Nick, who was moving to tower over him.

"What's going on?" he demanded. Nick took a step back, then another when Cody pulled him. Ted gripped Murray's hand and Murray sank into his lap, tucking his robe demurely around himself.

"We were just talking about taking a little vacation," Cody said placatingly. "Maybe going out to the islands. We were thinking you might want to get out of town for a while."

"Oh. Well, that sounds like fun," Murray said, surprised that his friends would be arguing over something so simple. "If you can get time off, Lieutenant. I just know you'd love it. The sun and the sea—and we could do some fishing. It would be great."

"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm invited."

"Not invited? Don't be ridiculous. Guys? You didn't mean that, did you?"

"No, not exactly," Cody said, pushing Nick behind him and making him sit down on the bench. "We just—well, Nick thought that maybe it would be good to get you away from the pressures of being in a relationship for a while, and I said it should be up to you. We—we're all your friends, you know. Everyone's wants what's best for you, and if you _did_ want some time apart…"

"What? No, I don't want that. I—I want to be with Ted." He half turned, putting his arm around Quinlan's shoulders as if drawing their defenses together. "He takes care of me. I—I need protecting right now."

"You needed protecting three weeks ago and he didn't do such a great job, did he?" Nick snapped.

"What—what are you saying?" Murray gasped.

"I'm saying that if he wasn't ashamed of you, none of this would have happened. Come on, Murray, you can see that. All he wants you for is sex, and you're falling right back into it. Honestly, how is he any different from those—"

"Shut up!" Murray cried. "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what those men did; you weren't there. And you don't know what Ted's like, either."

"Let's not fight about this," Cody said, trying to smooth it over before it was too late. "Murray, if you want to get away for a while, Ted's more than welcome to come along."

Murray looked from Quinlan's face to Nick's and thought it over for a few seconds.

"I don't think that's a good idea. It sounds like the boat isn't big enough for us all."

"I started this whole thing," Ted told him quietly. "I said I was thinking about taking you away for a little while, give you a break from all the activity around here, and your friends weren't exactly thrilled with the idea."

"We just think that running away from home won't help," Cody said. "You haven't been here a whole day yet. That's not enough time to get used to things before you take off again."

"That's one way to look at it," Murray nodded. "But it's up to me, right?"

"Of course," all three said in unison. Even Nick was willing to agree to take Quinlan fishing if it would keep Murray home on the boat.

"Then let me think about it. And no fighting. It scares me when you shout at each other."

"Sure, baby," Ted said softly. Cody smiled and Nick pantomimed vomiting behind his back.

"I'm going to get dressed," Murray said. "Should I make breakfast?"

"I thought we might go out to eat," Cody suggested.

"Oh, okay. That sounds good." He kissed Ted, slow and deep, then got up and headed for the forward stairs. The lieutenant rose and followed without a word.

Down in his cabin, Murray took off his robe and began to dress. He'd been shy in the hospital, upset by all the people touching him, inspecting his body, discussing his injuries and detailing the possible complications. It was just as dehumanizing and humiliating as the rape itself, and getting out was his only goal. Now that he had, he didn't mind Ted looking at him. In his own space he could be brave, and the admiration on his lover's face did away with the last of his fears.

"You said you wanted to take me somewhere," he said as he stepped into his softly faded boxers. "What did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking maybe we could go up to the cabin in the woods. No one's looking for you now, so you can take walks and swim in the river—whatever you want."

"That would be nice," Murray said thoughtfully, buttoning his jeans and sitting down to put on his shoes. "Could we really do that?"

"Sure. I've got some vacation coming. We could go any time. Assuming the guys can spare you."

"If they think we can go out to sea, they must not have a lot of work lined up. And if they think I can get better faster by taking a vacation, how can they argue? No, I want to go with you. I feel safe when we're together. I know you'll protect me."

"Well, Ryder's right about one thing. I didn't do such a hot job, did I?"

"You didn't know. It was as much my fault as anyone's. I didn't have a gun, I didn't fight back—I wasn't even alert enough to hear them coming."

"That don't make it your fault," he said harshly. "There were two of them and they knocked you out. There was nothing you could have done."

"And nothing you could have done, either. Ted, I—I'm not okay, but I will be. I just need you to keep taking care of me and I'll be fine." He pulled on a t-shirt, put a flannel shirt on over it, and kissed Ted more passionately. "I want to learn to make love again and I think we need to be alone for that to happen. Nick and Cody are great, but they're going to be really overprotective for a while. You saw what they were like last night."

"Yeah, I saw. Give me a couple days to talk to the captain and get things squared away at work and then we can take off."

"Okay. I'll tell the guys after breakfast. It'll be better if you're not around for it."

"If that's what you want. You think a week will do it, or would two be better?"

"I think it might take two," he said, giving his lover that sly, knowing smile that had been sadly lacking since the attack.

"You got it."

They went back up to the salon to tell the guys they were ready for breakfast.


	3. Proof

The whole time Murray was in the hospital, his friends had told everyone he'd been in a car accident while riding in a cab in LA. People had come to visit him and seemed to believe it. So they also believed it when he said he was going to Chicago to visit his family while he finished recuperating, and no one connected it with Lieutenant Quinlan's sudden fishing trip. When the two of them left town three days after Murray's release from the hospital, no one guessed they had gone together.

Murray wasn't really hurting this time, so he stayed awake and watched out the window as Ted drove them into the hills. They stopped at the store where Ted had gotten their food before, and this time Murray went in with him. He felt shy and out of place in this tiny town where Ted was recognized with a nod and he was a complete stranger, but it was better than waiting in the car and feeling like he didn't belong at all. He didn't want any of this trip to feel like the last one, except for the warmth and comfort he found sharing his bed with his most unexpected protector. He wanted a lot more of that.

The cabin wasn't far, and Murray's feelings of security increased steadily as the woods closed in around them. The trees sheltered him, the underbrush made him feel small and hidden, and everywhere there were flowers.

"I think this was a good idea," he said quietly.

"Yeah, me too. You're gonna like it a lot better this time, being able to go outside."

"But inside will still be fun. Maybe you can finally beat me at cribbage."

"I doubt it," Quinlan said as he parked the car. "But we can try if you want."

The cabin was almost exactly the same as it had been four years ago, but someone had been there in the last couple days to clean and change the bedding. Murray helped carry in the food and supplies, and when it was all put away, he said he needed a shower. It had been a long drive and he'd skipped his morning routine so they could get an early start.

"You want some company? Conserve water, maybe?"

"Well, the conservation argument won't work because you know we always end up staying twice as long," Murray grinned. "But company? Sure."

One of the perks to being so isolated was the freedom to walk around completely naked, and as Murray undressed by the bed in the big room, he thought that was the first improvement over their last stay here. Or maybe second. Not having his arm in a sling was a real advantage. But nothing could compare with his confidence in his companion, which was what was really lacking before. He knew he could expose himself and any ridicule that followed would be all in fun. And when there was no ridicule, that was even better.

"You're getting skinnier," was all Quinlan said, running his hand appraisingly over Murray's ribs.

"You like me skinny."

"I like you alive. You're gonna be doing a lot of eating while we're here."

"I'm all right, Lieutenant," he said, still smiling. "But I'll be a lot better after a nice cool shower. And I bet you will be, too."

"You sure are frisky today. What brought this on?" Ted asked, even as he stripped and followed Murray to the small bathroom.

"I don't know. The privacy, maybe. Or the idea of coming back to where it all started. I know you were mad at me a lot of the time—" he said, turning on the water in the small shower stall.

"No," Ted interrupted. "I wasn't _mad_, I was—"

"Yes, you were. You were mad because I wouldn't stay inside. You were trying to save my life and I kept wandering off."

"Okay, that pissed me off a little, but I understood."

"No, you didn't." Murray stepped into the shower and sighed happily as the cool water soaked his sweaty hair. "I didn't listen to you because I felt so safe. I didn't believe that anyone could get me as long as you were anywhere around, even when you were asleep and I was outside. It just seemed impossible. And it still does."

"Well, I think we've disproven that theory," Quinlan said, reaching for the shampoo and rubbing some into Murray's hair. "But you _are_ safe up here. No one's looking for you this time. Only people we're likely to see are your buddies, coming up to check on you."

"It was nice of you to tell them where we'd be."

"No reason not to. I hope they'll wait a couple days, though."

"I asked them to," Murray giggled, and it turned into a sigh of pleasure as Ted massaged his scalp.

The last few days had been full of this kind of thing, gentle touches and useful, innocent caresses, giving Murray a chance to get used to being handled, and he fairly purred under the attention. It was only when it started to get serious that he would tense and back away. Never _turn_ away, because he had stopped turning his back when he was afraid, but he could slide out of reach with the dexterity of an eel. He had been a willing participant that first night, but Ted hadn't stayed over again. It put Nick and Cody too much on guard and Murray hated the feeling that they were being spied on. Even though it meant sleeping with a desk lamp on and sitting up nights when the dreams that woke him kept him from sleeping again, he thought it was worth it to keep his friends from fighting.

And Ted was there for dinner each night, eating with the guys before going down to Murray's cabin for their private time. It was a kind of therapy for them both, kissing and cuddling but never crossing the line into actual sex. Murray enjoyed it very much, while trying not to think about what would happen when they were really alone and more was expected of him.

For his part, Quinlan was hoping that two weeks would be enough time for Murray to decide to lay him properly, even if it didn't happen until the end, but he never said so. He wouldn't put that kind of pressure on the man he loved.

Murray rinsed his hair and returned the favor, smiling happily at Ted's pleasure in his hands. Everyone liked being touched by Murray, and though Ted kept things like this to himself, the feel of those long slender fingers in his hair was one of his favorite things in the world. But he had other, more important, favorites and cut it as short as he could bear.

When Murray stepped aside so he could rinse, Ted made a hasty job of it and picked up the bottle of liquid soap. He poured some into his palm and rubbed it on Murray's chest, leaning in to kiss him softly. Murray stepped back instinctively, hit the wall, and rested against it as soapy hands explored his body.

"You tell me when to stop," Ted whispered, letting one hand fall to Murray's hip and stroke his growing erection.

"I don't want to," Murray said, his voice soft and pleading. "I don't want to have to tell you."

"Then don't. It'll be okay." He pressed his body lightly to Murray's skinny frame and reached around to stroke his narrow ass. His slick fingers slipped freely down Murray's crack and over his tight entrance, making him tense but not draw away. Gentle biting kisses teased his neck and shoulders as soapy fingers teased his ass, and Murray moaned softly, only slightly afraid.

"You wouldn't hurt me," he sighed, not really asking, but Ted answered anyway.

"No, baby, not me."

"You still want to touch me," he said, and though that wasn't a question either, there was a great deal of wonder in his voice.

"'M always gonna want to touch you." He gripped Murray's hips gently and turned him to the wall, kissing his should blades and the knobs of his spine, still petting him tenderly to keep him calm. It only half worked. Murray was trembling as Ted rinsed the soap from his body and went to one knee, kissing his smooth ass and the backs of his thighs. "You're okay," he murmured.

"I'm okay," Murray repeated, bracing his hands on the wall to hold himself up. He gasped sharply when he felt his lover's tongue slide over his sensitive hole, and then those strong hands were on his hips, thumbs holding him open, spreading him wide. He quivered and moaned as the warm tongue laved his violated flesh, now healed and responding with pleasure. Ted's hand slid up his thigh to stroke his straining erection, and Murray groaned eagerly, forgetting for the moment every possibility of pain.

"That's good, baby. That's good. You're just fine," Ted whispered, as if imparting a great secret to his wet skin. Murray found the courage in it to spread his legs, letting him in just a little more. "That's right," he said with a gentle nip to Murray's ass. "Now turn around for me."

"What?" Murray asked, sounding like a man awakening from a lovely dream.

"Turn around," he said again, guiding Murray gently with his hands. Murray turned and leaned back against the wall, groaning as Ted swallowed him down. Desperate for control, Murray dug his hands into his lover's hair, holding on hard and trying not to thrust. But Ted knew how to push his buttons, sucking him deep, his tongue swirling and caressing, as his right hand dropped to his own cock and began to stroke. Low moans vibrated in his throat, driving Murray wild as he fucked his lover's welcoming mouth.

Ted knew when Murray was close and sped his own rhythm, jerking himself to a swift climax just as Murray pushed him away. Lost in orgasm, Ted dropped back on his heel and watched in a daze as Murray came, splashing hot semen across his broad chest. On the one hand, it was one of the hottest things he'd ever seen, but on the other, he didn't like missing out on the taste and feel of his lover's seed on his tongue.

He got to his feet and pulled Murray close, rubbing his back gently.

"What was that, kid?"

"What was what?" Murray asked, snuggling against his shoulder as if preparing to sleep there.

"Why'd you pull back on me? You've never done that before."

"I—Ted, I—you can't swallow anymore. It's not safe."

"I told you, I don't want to hear any more about that. Anyway, if that's dangerous, it's all dangerous. All those little drops I was swallowing all along—it's the same thing."

"Oh, jeez. I didn't even think of that. Ted…"

"Stop it right now. Baby, there's nothing wrong with you."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do. Come on, let's get you out of here." He washed himself quickly and turned off the water. Murray followed him rather meekly, toweled himself dry and went out to the other room to put on his shorts and t-shirt. It was still early afternoon and he wanted to go outside.

"Ted, you have to be careful," he said, sitting on the bed while his lover dressed. "It's—it's enough that you touch me at all. I know you love me, you don't have to keep proving it."

"Murray, you ain't getting this. I'm not trying to prove anything here. I told you way back when you were in the hospital that this doesn't change anything for me. Not how I look at you or feel about you—nothing."

"It really doesn't bother you that I've been with other men?"

"Oh hell," Quinlan said, in the same tone of voice as a man witnessing a car wreck that he thought he'd adverted. He sat down behind Murray and wrapped his arms around the narrow chest. Murray stiffened almost imperceptibly, still uncomfortable having anyone behind him, and then relaxed a little when Ted stroked his forehead. "Baby, it bothers me that it happened, okay? I hate that they hurt you like that, and I hate that you feel like you've been with other men. But if you think it's ruined you for me, that's just not true. What I really feel…" He paused and took a deep breath, still unable to talk about his feelings with any real ease. "What I want is to hide you from the world so you won't ever be scared again. I want to lay you down and lick you clean, and then make love to you for hours or days or weeks—however long it takes to make you forget that anyone but me ever touched you."

"But I won't forget. Not really. And that isn't fair to you."

"Fuck fair. None of it's fair, Murray. And do you really think I give a shit about my own feelings after what they did to you? Do you really think I care about anything except helping you get better?"

"I guess not. You _are_ giving up your vacation for me again, after all." His tone was serious, but he tipped his head back and gave Ted a smile that eased his heart.

"Hell, I'm paying rent on the cabin."

"Wow, you really would do anything for me, wouldn't you? But seriously, Ted…"

"No, no more serious. I've told you how I feel and that's the end of it. You're my little geek, right? Nothing's ever gonna change that."

"And you don't mind me acting like we've never had sex before?"

"You weren't acting like that in the shower just now. But I don't mind. I taught you before and it was a lot of fun. I don't mind teaching you again. A little slower, maybe," he added, kissing Murray's neck softly. "Not as many surprises. But you won't be surprised, because it _isn't_ the first time."

"No, you're right. And I'll be okay. I love you, Ted, and I want that part of my life back. I—I want to give myself back to you."

"You've never been gone from me, baby. Just because we're not fucking, that doesn't mean we ain't together. I know what I said about feeling closest when I'm inside you, but just sitting by your bed in the hospital was—well, it was good. Being there for you, I mean."

"I was awfully glad you were. But sometimes—sometimes I can still feel it. When I close my eyes—when I'm try to go to sleep at night, or just waking up in the morning—I feel their hands on me, and I—I feel so dirty and ashamed." As he spoke, he rubbed his left wrist with his right hand, worrying at the hairless stripe where the tape had been. Ted caught his hands and crossed them over Murray's chest, holding them gently but firmly in place.

"That's not something anyone can ever talk you out of," he said quietly. "But you don't look or taste or feel dirty to me. And if you ever doubt that, just come to me and I'll do everything I can to prove you wrong."

"When did you turn into such a sensitive guy, Lieutenant?"

"When you needed me to, I guess. But don't go telling everybody. I still have an image to protect."

"Sure. Can we go for a walk now? I really want to see these woods."

"Put on your sunblock," was his automatic response. Ted was wearing shorts and a polo shirt, but he didn't use sunblock himself. He was too deeply tanned to worry about getting burned. He got up and put on his tennis shoes while Murray slathered SPF 45 on his pale arms and legs. When he had finished and found his own shoes, they got their hats and went out together.

Ted's one weakness when it came to sun was his eyes, so he wore his dark aviator shades, and didn't look up into the trees as often as Murray did. He held the slender hand in his and led Murray down faintly worn paths, letting the scientist stop and look at everything that caught his eye, even when it meant crouching for long minutes to study ant trails and ponder whether certain mushrooms were edible. Ted settled that last issue by saying he didn't eat any fungus, no matter what other people said about its edibility, and Murray moved along with a shrug.

They ended up at the river, overlooking a section which was running low but swift in the late July heat, inviting Murray with its coolness while throwing silver daggers of light at Ted's weak eyes. The lieutenant found a smooth, shaded rock to sit on while Murray took his shoes off and waded in, exclaiming at the cold but adjusting rapidly.

"Be careful there, kid," Ted called.

"I am. But even if I fall, I'm hardly going to drown in eighteen inches of water. Although I suppose there have been cases where people have. They're mostly children, of course, but adults can drown in as little as four inches, if they're trapped or hit their heads or something."

"Good to know. Just watch yourself, babe."

Murray waded for a while and then found a rock in the middle of the river where he could sit and watch the tiny fish flash by, all silver scales and pink gills. He wondered what it was like to be a fish, to live in water and swim freely and never, ever, be subject to unwanted sexual acts. But there was no such thing as a welcome sexual act in the world of trout, and he thought maybe they were missing out.

"Hey," Ted called, rousing him from his thoughts. "You're getting a little pink there, Murray. Come back and sit in the shade for a while."

He shook his head as if to clear it and looked down at himself. Sure enough, the sunblock had washed off of his lower legs and they were already beginning to burn. He slid off the rock and made his way carefully back to shore.

"Isn't it funny?" he said as he sat down in the grass, leaning against the rock, his head resting on Ted's thigh.

"What's funny?"

"You and me. The last time we were here, I was scared to death. Not so much of being murdered, but of you blowing me off as soon as we got home. I didn't know why you wanted to be with me, but I was sure it would end as soon as there were other, better looking, men around. And then you agreed to keep seeing me in secret and I thought it was about the best thing that could happen to me. Now here we are again and you—you've turned out to be the love of my life."

"Yeah, life's funny that way," Ted agreed, slipping his arm around Murray's chest and holding him loosely. "I never thought a young, smart guy like you would want to be with me, either."

"No, you just planned to have your way with me while I was trapped here," Murray teased. "But I couldn't let you go."

"Best thing that ever happened to me." He leaned down and kissed the top of Murray's head, still hot from the sun.

"You still think so, even after everything?"

"You better believe it."

"Good. Because I still can't let you go."

***

Ted barbecued chicken out on the front porch that evening and they ate on the steps where they used to watch the stars back when Murray was in hiding. There was red wine, because this was something of a celebration, but he limited Murray to one small glass. The last thing he wanted was an attack of melancholy that might lead to bad dreams.

"All this time and it still surprises me that you can cook," Murray said, wiping his mouth with a delicate gesture that made Ted feel weak.

"Barbecuing ain't cooking, kid."

"It's close enough. Can't I have a little more wine, Ted? Just a drop?"

"You want me to get you drunk for some reason?"

"No, it's just really good. I haven't any alcohol since—well, since that last night I was at your house, and it wasn't as good as this."

"Well, it won't keep long in this heat anyway," he shrugged and poured another drop into Murray's glass.

"And I love that you know about wine."

"Not much. I know what I like, is all. Are you finished?"

"Oh, yes. Wait a second and I'll help you clean up."

"No, you stay there. I got it."

Murray had been the one standing in the hot kitchen for an hour, boiling eggs and macaroni for his special salad, and Ted wanted him to rest. He doubted he'd be able to get another erection today, but he still wanted Murray to go to bed relaxed and happy.

"You're doing all the work, Lieutenant. It's not fair."

"You got two weeks to make it up to me," he said, gathering the dishes to take inside. Murray decided that was true and slid down to the bottom step so he could lie back and watch the stars come out. At some point, he finished his wine and set the glass aside. The sound of Ted's footsteps on the porch reassured him, and he was drifting happily when a gentle nudge at his shoulder made him sit up. "Come on, baby, it's late. You want to go to bed." It wasn't a question, but Murray realized it was true. He grasped Ted's hand and allowed the stronger man to pull him to his feet.

"I'm glad you thought of this," he mumbled groggily. "It was a good day, Ted."

"Yeah, it was. And tomorrow's gonna be another." He led Murray inside and watched in amusement as the sleepy man struggled to brush his teeth. When it came to undressing, Ted took pity on him and helped, guiding him carefully out of his shirt and holding him up while he took off his shorts. There were probably pajamas in his bag—he had packed it himself this time—but he didn't seem to want them. Instead, Murray crawled into bed naked and was asleep before Ted could cover him.

***

A series of muffled moans woke Ted late that night and he opened his eyes to see the cabin bright with moonlight. Beside him, Murray had kicked off the blankets and was shivering, though his skin shone with sweat. He twitched and sobbed, the sounds of his distress growing louder with every passing moment. Ted reached out and touched his face lightly, pushing back his hair and softly calling his name. Murray jumped awake with a frantic cry, arms flailing, striking Ted across the chest and nearly tumbling off the bed. Ted caught him and pulled him close, restraining him gently as he fought to get free.

"Murray, baby, stop it," he said quietly. "You're okay. It was just a dream, baby, I promise. Calm down now, it was just a dream."

"Lieutenant? Ted?" Murray gasped, his struggles changing at once to desperate clinging. Ted squeezed him closer, petting and soothing, his calloused hands rough on sweat-damp skin. "Ted, oh God…"

"Shh, I know. It was just a dream, though. You're okay now."

"Don't let go."

"I won't. It's all right, baby, I won't let go."

But still Murray pressed closer, wriggling into his lap, hiding his face against the thick neck and digging his fingers into Ted's back.

"It's okay," he whispered, over and over, rocking the weeping man like a child. It was a long time before Ted could even loosen his grip enough pull the covers up over him, and by the time he did, Murray was shivering violently. "Come on, kid, you're okay."

"I was so scared," he breathed, cuddling close under the blanket. "I know it was just a dream, but it was so real. I've never felt pain in a dream before, not really, but this was—real. It hurt so much, Ted."

"It's all right, Murray. I mean, it's all right to be scared. Come on and lie down, okay?"

Murray nodded faintly and Ted lay back, holding the smaller body on his chest, the blankets snug around Murray's neck.

"It was right after they finished and I got out of the house somehow," he said. "I was trying to find my way back to your place and I couldn't. All the houses looked alike, like four fifteen, and everywhere I turned, I saw them. Dozens of them. There was nowhere to go and I couldn't find you."

"I understand, baby. But I'm here now and you're safe. They're dead, remember? They're dead and I'm here."

"Right," he said, as if checking off a list. "They're dead and you're here. But if anyone ever puts it together, what you did, you won't be here anymore."

"No one's going to. I didn't leave any evidence, and no one's interested in those guys."

"But you gave their blood to the lab. What if the investigators try to use blood from the bodies to ID them? If the computer system is set up right, it could trigger a cross match and you'd have a lot of explaining to do."

"Yeah, well, my tech friend thought of that. He didn't leave any paper trail on the blood I gave him, and when the investigators brought theirs in, it was conveniently contaminated and ruined. By the time the mistake was uncovered, the bodies had already been embalmed."

"What about their families?"

"Don't seem to have any. Baby, I don't like it either, okay? I ain't a killer by nature, you know. But it had to be done, and I'll stand before God and swear that I didn't have a choice."

"I know. I know, and I love you for it." He rose up on his elbows and kissed Ted softly, then curled up on his chest again. It was a long time before either man slept, but that subject was officially closed.

***

Three days later, they came back from swimming in the deep part of the river, looking forward to lunch, and found Nick and Cody sitting on the porch.

"Hey, guys, what are you doing here?" Murray called out, waving with the hand that wasn't holding Ted's.

"Just came by to see how you were doing," Cody said, smiling confidently.

"What, you were in the neighborhood?" Ted asked, glad that he'd put his shirt on back at the river. Murray hadn't, but these were his friends.

"Something like that. We brought fried chicken. Where've you two been?"

They exchanged a glance and Murray spoke.

"We were swimming in the river. It's so great, guys. It's cold, but then you get out and it's so hot—the blood rush is amazing."

"So you're having a good time?" Nick asked, speaking for the first time.

"Well, yes. I didn't get to enjoy it last time—Ted hardly let me stick my head out the door, and it was too cold to swim, anyway."

"Thought you didn't like swimming much," Nick remarked as the two men joined him on the porch.

"It's not that deep, and Ted won't let me drown. He's never more than two feet away."

"I bet," Cody murmured, smiling slyly but not meanly. "Here, we got you original recipe legs, just like you like."

"Hey, thanks." He spread his towel on the steps and took a piece of chicken from the bucket, offering it to Ted. The lieutenant wasn't quite sure if he was glad to see them, but Murray's happy, hopeful expression was enough to make him sit down and take the chicken. There were biscuits and potatoes and gravy, and the two couples each shared containers. Ted forced another biscuit on Murray when he put his last piece of chicken aside half-eaten, and earned his first look of approval from Nick.

"You eating all right?" he asked Murray. "You look kind of skinny."

"I've always been skinny. But I'm getting plenty to eat, Nick. Ted's a good cook."

"Yeah, well, I'm no Colonel Sanders. Anybody want a beer?" He was standing even as he spoke, going into the cabin and returning with a six pack. Cody was deeply into some story about a neighbor at the pier, so he excused himself again, saying he wanted to take a shower and maybe a nap. The guys had come for Murray, not him, and they deserved to have some time alone.

Murray was more relaxed than they'd seen him in weeks, laughing easily at Cody's story, and when he was finished, Nick couldn't help breaking in.

"How's it going, really? Are you okay, Boz?"

"Yes, I'm fine. We're having a good time, guys. It's so quiet and peaceful—I saw a whole family of squirrels today. And I love swimming in the river and sitting out here watching the stars. I haven't even missed my computers, although I do miss you guys. It's kind of strange, but I think it's good for me. The solitude is very—reassuring."

"Yeah? And Ted's looking after you all right? He's not pushing you too hard?"

"Well, there's not much to protect me from, with no one else around. And he doesn't push me to do anything, except maybe play gin when I want to play _Yahtzee_."

"So he's taking a nap because he got plenty of sleep last night?" Nick asked dryly.

"Oh. No, I—I still have nightmares. I wake him up most nights. Sometimes two or three times. But he's very nice about it."

"That's good, Murray. We were hoping the dreams would get better," Cody said, "but I'm glad Ted's taking care of you."

"He is. He cooks most of the meals and listens to me talk about my nightmares, even though they really upset him. He's good to me."

"And he's not pushing you about sex?" Nick went on determinedly.

"What? No, of course not," Murray said, blushing hotly. "We—I—I need physical affection, it makes me feel better, but—but I have limits and he respects that."

"You think he's gonna keep respecting it?"

"Nick," Cody whispered, nudging him with his foot.

"Isn't that why he brought you up here the first time?" Nick persisted. "So he could get laid?"

Murray winced and for a split second, Nick wished he hadn't said it. But Murray was still one of his best friends and Nick needed to protect him, even if Murray didn't always appreciate it.

"He was taking care of me then, and he is now. And I _want_ to 'get laid', as you put it. That's a big part of why I agreed to come. We—_I_ just need the time and—and the space—to—to get comfortable with it again." He swallowed hard but didn't drop his eyes. "You may not believe this, but Ted understands. He knows what I need, when I need it, and—and if I find a way to get over this and move on, it'll be because of him."

"No, we believe it," Cody said smoothly. "But you understand why we had to see for ourselves. We couldn't call and—well, we worry about you. We've been taking care of you, or trying to, for a long time. It's hard to just stop worrying because you found someone—someone else."

"I know," Murray said, ashamed of having gotten angry. "And I appreciate everything you've ever done for me, really, and I know you're just trying to help. But now there's this whole part of my life that I need to relearn, and he's the only one I can do it with."

"Sure, of course he is," Cody said. "We just miss you, that's all. The boat's kind of lonely with just the two of us."

"I'm sure it is," Murray said with a grin. "I bet you're planning a couple's fishing retreat for the minute you get back."

"Well," Nick said slowly, moving closer and putting an arm around him. "Never let it be said that we missed an opportunity."

"Good, I'm happy for you. You guys need time alone, too."

"Yes, we do," Cody agreed. "But when we get back from the, uh, fishing trip, we'll be missing you again."

"So come up and see us. You're always welcome. And I wouldn't mind a pizza in a week or so."

"You got it," Nick said, giving him a friendly hug. Now that the hard part was behind them, hopefully, he was more than ready to change the subject. "So what do you do for fun up here? Besides swimming and walking around half naked?"

Murray looked down at himself and realized for the first time that he still hadn't put his shirt on. He blushed again, a faint tinge of pink that made him look healthier than he had in weeks, and then laughed.

"Nothing too exciting. I brought better books this time, and we play a lot of card games. But I like just sitting out here and watching the little animals, or walking in the woods. There's a rabbit warren not too far from here, and some really interesting species of trees."

"Better watch out, Boz," Cody said, patting his knobby knee. "There's probably some interesting poison oak, too."

"Oh yes. Ted pointed it out to me. He has a book of indigenous plant life that I've been studying. You know it was never my field, but it's quite fascinating, and very important if one is going to spend any time at all in the woods."

"Everything's a chance to study, isn't it?" Nick grinned, then broke into an honest laugh at Murray's earnest _yes, of course_.

They stayed for supper, properly impressed by Ted's ability to make spaghetti on the temperamental old propane stove, even if the bread was plain toast from a rack over an open fire. Then Nick was rising from the table, reminding Cody that they wanted to get back before dark since they had an early day tomorrow, and Murray walked them to their car.

"I'm really glad you guys came out to see me," he said, hugging Cody and resting in his arms. "Don't get me wrong, I really think I need to be here for a while, but I _have_ missed you."

"We know, buddy," Cody said quietly and kissed his cheek. "It's just been really hard for us, too. I can't stop thinking how all the time you were being hurt, we didn't know you were gone. It makes it hard to relax now, not knowing where you are or what you're doing every minute."

"Oh, Cody," he sighed, his voice catching on a small lump in his throat. "I'm sorry, really. But you know Ted's looking after me. And, yes, you thought that before, but now you _know_. He doesn't leave me alone for a second, I promise. So you two go on home and go fishing or whatever and don't worry, okay? I'm fine, and when I come back, everything will be normal again."

"Normal, huh?" Nick teased, pulling him away from Cody to claim his hug. "I don't know what we'd do if you started acting _normal_."

"Well, for me," he amended and all three laughed. Nick released him and they got into the Jimmy. "Goodnight, guys. Come back soon."

Nick and Cody waved and then they were driving away. Murray watched until the taillights disappeared, lost among the trees. When he turned back to the cabin, Ted was there on the porch, waiting.

***

Stretched out on his belly, head resting on crossed arms, legs spread wide, Murray remembered other nights in this bed, other conversations he'd tried to have when his lover, who was then nothing more than a protector who didn't work for free, wasn't in a mood to talk. But things were different now, for a lot of reasons, and what Murray wanted, he usually got. Even when what he wanted was to talk.

It wasn't easy marshalling his thoughts with Ted between his thighs, hands on his hips, lapping at his tender hole like a mother cat bathing her kitten. But when Murray's mind whirled around to the kitten image again, he pinned it down and spoke.

"Ted," he whispered, and where once the interruption would have been met with impatience and frustration, he was now answered with a soft kiss in the small of his back.

"What is it, baby?"

"Why—why are you doing that, Ted?"

"You want me to stop?"

"No," he laughed, still struck by the similarities and differences. "But I want to know why. Because if you still think you can get me clean…"

"No, kid. You're more'n clean enough for me. I just want you to feel something good, is all. Get used to the idea of using your ass for fun again."

"You still want to use my ass, Ted?"

"Someday," he said, placing another soft kiss on Murray's back. "When you want me to."

"What if I said I did now? Tonight?"

"You'd be lying. Turn over, baby."

Murray rolled onto his back, preparing to laugh, and it turned into a gasp as Ted's mouth closed over his weeping cock. His hands fisted in the sheet as he struggled not to thrust, and then Ted was sucking hard, his cheeks hollowing as his tongue swirled and teased. Now Murray was thrusting, unable to help himself, gripping the sheet so hard the tendons stood out in his arms. Ted stroked his sac gently, the tenderness of his touch a sharp counterpoint to the suction that made Murray feel as if his heart and soul were being drawn out through his cock. One finger eased lower, slid across his spit-slick hole, and pressed ever so slowly inside. It was the first time Ted had made any move to enter him, the first time anything had been inside him since those strangers' dicks and doctors' hands, and Murray froze for a long instant, deciding how he felt about it.

The gentle finger stilled while Murray considered, but the eager, swirling suction went on, and that decided him. He pressed down onto Ted's hand, taking that single finger deep, groaning in sweet ecstasy. Ted knew how to please him, he'd always known, and when the blunt finger rubbed his prostate, Murray came with an explosive cry, pulsing against the back of Ted's throat.

Ted stayed with him, sucking and stroking, until Murray's frantic cries wound down to whimpers.

"Okay, baby?" he murmured, kissing Murray's sunken belly as he withdrew his hand.

""Yes, yes, I—I'm fine," Murray sighed, but he was trembling badly.

"Yeah, I can see that. Wait here a minute." Ted got up and went into the bathroom, carrying the lantern from the table by the bed. Murray pulled the blankets over himself and curled on his side, trying to get a grip. He hadn't quite made it when Ted came back with a cup of water and slid into bed beside him. He lifted Murray's head in one hand and encouraged him to drink, then blew out the lantern and lay down, holding him to his chest. He rubbed the narrow back for a long time and gradually the shivering stopped.

"You weren't really ready for that, were you?" he asked, and Murray made a noncommittal sound. "If that's a no, I'm sorry."

Murray smiled in the darkness, trying to remember if Ted had ever apologized to him before.

"No, Lieutenant, I—I was ready. It was good."

"Yeah? You weren't scared?"

"No, it was too good to think about things like that. And before you ask, it didn't hurt, either."

"Not even now?"

"Not even a little bit." Murray raised up on his elbows and kissed his lover softly, convincingly, then lay down again. The truth was, that part surprised him, too. Often, after the heat of passion had passed, there was a faint soreness that might last a few minutes or all night. He'd expected to feel that after the first attempt at penetration, but one finger must not be enough. It occurred to him that maybe sticking with that for a while might be a good idea, and he wondered if Ted would agree.

"Good. That's good, baby. Think you can sleep?"

"Oh, yes. But what about you?" Murray's long fingers trailed down Ted's body, caressing hard muscle under lightly furred skin, and hesitated upon finding him limp and flaccid. He was filled with sudden embarrassment, convicted in his heart that Ted wasn't aroused by him, that he was too shamefully damaged to awaken desire in his own lover. He pulled away sharply, wanting to get out of bed and not doing it only because he knew he would trip and fall in the dark. Shuddering with horror, he cowered on the edge of the bed and wished he'd stayed home where he belonged.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Ted asked, his voice filled with worry. "Murray, baby, what is it?"

"You—you don't—_you're_ the one who doesn't want this. How could you do that when—when you're not—when you don't want _me_. God, Ted, I've never been so humiliated in my life."

"Wait a minute," he said harshly, and Murray was further unnerved by his anger. How could this possibly get worse? "Slow down and tell me what the hell you're talking about."

"As if you don't know."

"I don't. Murray, come back here and tell me what the fuck is wrong."

"You—you don't want me."

"How the hell can you think that? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Murray gasped, his throat clogged with tears, and Ted at least understood one way he'd screwed up.

"Wait, just calm down and come over here. You're gonna fall off the bed."

"I don't want your pity, Ted."

"Pity? Murray, I don't even know what you're talking about. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you somehow?"

Murray didn't answer and Ted took a deep breath, gathering himself together and pushing back his own fear. Slowly, he eased across the bed and caught Murray before he could decide to run. The thin body was stiff and awkward in his arms, all sharp angles and tense resistance, but at least he wasn't actively trying to escape.

"Look, I don't usually insist on talking about shit, but this time we have to. If I did something wrong, I need to know."

"It's not you, it's me. I don't want you touching me if you don't mean it."

"Wait, if I don't mean it? Was I somehow eating your ass insincerely?"

"You—you aren't—aroused—by me. You did those things for me, but you didn't enjoy it."

"Oh shit, baby, is that what you think?"

"It's true. You used to get hard just touching me."

"No, it _isn't_ true. I'm not hard now because I came when you did. Just listening to you, feeling you lose it, was enough. I didn't even have to touch myself."

"You're making that up," he said flatly, but there was a tiny spark of hope in his heart.

"No, baby, I ain't making anything up. Here, give me your hand." He took Murray's wrist gently, feeling the resistance and not forcing anything. After a few seconds of indecision, Murray relaxed and let him have it. Ted placed the slender fingers in his groin, smiling in the dark as Murray hesitantly explored. "See? Still damp and everything. I washed in the john when I was getting your water. That's why I was gone so long."

"I thought you were just brushing your teeth," Murray said with a small laugh.

"Well, that too. Baby, you been jerking me off every night since we got here. How can you think for even a second that you don't get me hard?"

"It's what I'm most afraid of. Don't you see, Ted? This could have ruined us. It _should_ have, really. But you keep loving me and I—I love you and I appreciate it, but at the same time, I'm still waiting for that other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the day when you touch me and all you can think about is how weak and pathetic I am, letting—letting people use me like that."

"That ain't ever gonna happen. How much do you even remember about that night, kid? Do you remember knocking on my door?"

Murray nodded, tucking his head under Ted's chin. Ted felt his hot blush burning against his throat and soldiered on.

"You remember how I carried you into the house and laid you on the sofa? How I gave you water and watched you puke it up, and then kissed you two minutes later?"

"Yes," he murmured, his voice broken and small.

"And you think—what? That this is worse? That I'd be disgusted by you all clean and sweet when I wasn't that night?"

"You've had time to think about it now. You were in shock then, running on instinct."

"Maybe, but still, if I was gonna drop you, it would've been when you were in the hospital. Your friends were there and I could've just faded away. Or, if I didn't want to be that big an asshole, I could've done it when you first went home. Honestly, I thought you trusted me enough by now to know I wouldn't bring you up here and break your heart when we were alone."

"I never thought you meant to," he said without raising his head. "But I've always been afraid that once you tried to make love to me again, you'd find out you couldn't. That it'd just be too much for you."

"Well it ain't. Baby, if you really were ready, I'd fuck you right now, all night long. There's nothing I'd like better, in fact, except for seeing you get your shit together, and you have to do that first."

"It may take a while."

"If it does, it does. C'mere and lay down, huh? I'm getting tired."

Murray let him go just long enough to get comfortable and then eased back into those arms that seemed made to hold him.

"I mean that if you really want to wait until I'm completely over it, then that might not happen. One of these days you're just going to have to do it and see if we can build on that. There might be some backsliding, but we won't get anywhere without taking the next step."

"Yeah, I know. But it can't be so soon that you end up traumatized again. I ain't taking responsibility for that."

Murray nodded against his chest, knowing it was right. He couldn't ask Ted to do something that he, Murray, might end up resenting him for.

"We have another ten days, though, Lieutenant, and I want to try before we leave. I know it'll be better here than at home, no matter what. But you have to use a condom. If you didn't bring any, I did." Murray knew they'd still taken risks, that he shouldn't even have let Ted suck him, but he hadn't been able to negotiate that. Ted was too confident and Murray too pliable, for better or for worse.

"Means that much to you, huh?"

"Protecting you? Yes, it means a lot. Humor me, Ted. Otherwise, I won't be able to enjoy it."

"Sure, baby, whatever you want. You just let me know."

Murray nodded again, saying nothing. That was the first night he slept without dreams.

***

The late afternoon sun was hot, the air still and stifling even by the river, and Ted sat on the bank, his feet in the cool water, watching Murray holding his breath underwater to chase crawdads. He couldn't catch one, and wouldn't know what to do with it if he did, but he was having fun and Ted enjoyed the show. He didn't make a move to cut it short until the sun fell low enough to kill his shady spot. It had been a long day, and he'd rather go back to the cabin than cross the river to sit under the only tree that was providing decent shade now. The next time Murray surfaced, Ted called to him and he swam to shore, his thin body cutting the deep, still water like a knife.

"What's up, Lieutenant? Are we going back?"

"Haven't you had enough?"

"I guess. There's always tomorrow, right?" he asked happily, letting Ted pull him out of the water.

"Tomorrow and the day after. Then we need to be getting back to civilization."

"Funny how uncivilized civilization is. Compared to this, at least." He put on his glasses, then ran his towel over his head briskly and draped it across his shoulders without attempting to dry his body. There was no breeze at all and the beads of water on his skin would help keep him cool during the walk back to the cabin. But that wasn't all they did.

Ted stood and waited while Murray stepped into his deck shoes, holding his elbow lightly to help him balance. But the little trickle of water running down Murray's spine made him want to do a lot of other things, like follow that water with his tongue, as far as it cared to go. Instead, he took Murray's hand and walked beside him through the quiet woods.

"Sandwiches okay for supper?" he asked after a while. "I don't want to fire up that stove if we can help it."

"No, that's fine. It's going to be hot enough in there as it is. I sure don't want to leave, though. I haven't missed civilization as much as I thought I would."

"It's probably missed you, though. Can't imagine your buddies are having much luck solving cases without you."

"No, probably not," he said honestly, with no hint of gloating. "And the Roboz probably misses me, too."

Ted laughed quietly and Murray wasn't offended. When they reached the cabin, Murray said he wanted to take a shower and Ted promised the food would be ready when he was done.

"Okay," Murray said, trying to hide his disappointment. He had rather hoped that Ted would join him in the shower, but maybe this was better. Maybe he was saving it for something good tonight. They were running out of time and the best was still to come, he hoped. If they could escape the feeling of pressure, of having waited too long. He kissed Ted and went into the bathroom alone, leaving the door half open for the reassuring sounds of his lover moving around in the other room. He showered quickly, put on dry shorts and a clean t-shirt, and returned to the small kitchen as Ted was putting their plates on the table.

"Not bologna again I hope," he said as he sat down.

"It's ham, goofball. Remember? You were at the store."

"Right, where you wanted to stock up on bologna."

"I like it. Now eat your deli ham, princess."

Murray laughed and obeyed. It _was_ his favorite. After supper, they washed the few dishes together and he got out the cribbage board while Ted lit the lamp. They always played best two out of three, which meant they played two games because Murray always won. But tonight he wanted to go to bed and he let Ted win the first. The lieutenant gave him a suspicious look as he wrote down the scores and dealt the cards. Somehow the math expert was screwing up and missing points, which Ted claimed without his usual air of triumph. He guessed that Murray was either throwing the game, or was too distracted by something to play properly, and he didn't want to push the kid either way.

At the end of the second game, Ted was up by sixty points and Murray congratulated him sincerely as he put the board away. His soft eyes were clear and guileless behind his glasses, his smile honest and real, and if Ted were any other man, any man who hadn't been with him for the last two weeks, he would have bought it. But he wasn't any man. He was a suspicious cop and an attentive lover, and he knew what Murray had been through to bring him to this place, on this night.

"Coming to bed?" Murray asked, stopping halfway to the bathroom and looking over his shoulder.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right there." He waited for Murray to come back before going into the bathroom himself, and when he got into bed he found the other man naked, hungry for him.

"Are you sure?" he whispered, his words nearly lost as Murray bore him down and kissed him slow and deep.

"Yes. Please, Ted. It's time."

"You ain't just saying that because it's getting late, are you?"

"No. Please." He sank into the kiss again, tasting hot excitement on his lover's breath, allowing Ted to roll him over and pin him, twining their fingers together to remind Murray who he was. No one else had ever held his hands in bed and he hoped no one ever would.

Ted's free hand slid down Murray's ribs, a little better padded than when they'd left King Harbor, his thumb rubbing small circles on ticklish skin. Murray flinched, his giggle turning to a moan as the calloused hand moved to pinch his nipple. He spread his legs invitingly, lightly humping Ted's thigh as the heat between them grew. His heart leapt when Ted broke the kiss, lips traveling down Murray's slender neck and settling in the hollow of his prominent collarbone. Murray cried out softly at the flickering tongue, interspersed with bruising bites, begging with broken moans and eager half-words for more. That knowing mouth moved down his chest, tongue swirling briefly over hard nipples, and continued on to his flat stomach. He kissed and licked, tasting the salt sweat that gathered just above the thatch of dark fur, smiling at Murray's erection brushing his cheek. For just a moment he rested his head on that soft belly, breathing the clean musky scent of the man he loved, and then slowly ran his tongue over the head of Murray's cock.

The thin body on which he rested went rigid at once, the gasp of pleased surprise loud in Ted's ear. He shifted just a little and took more of Murray's length into his mouth, stroking up his bony thigh to cup his balls. Murray groaned, struggling not to thrust as Ted sucked and fondled, still squeezing his hand.

"Lieutenant," he panted. "Please, I need you." He wanted to turn over in encouragement, but lacked the strength of character necessary to tear himself away from his lover's talented mouth. Ted gave him one last nibbling suck and sat up, smiling at his soft moan of disappointment.

Murray released Ted's hand and grabbed a fistful of his hair, pulling him down and kissing him fiercely. Ted caught Murray's face in both hands, stroking his thumbs over sharp cheekbones and he plundered and pillaged the soft, willing mouth. As soon as Murray let go, Ted flipped him over and bit the back of his neck, distracting him from the movements of his hands as he opened the lube. Murray ground himself into the mattress, whimpering pleasurably as Ted fingered him, shallow and slow.

"Is that all right?" he whispered, shifting to lick at Murray's ear.

"Yes. Oh, yes, Ted. It's so good…" He trailed off, losing all track of his thoughts as the single finger slid deeper and stroked across his gland. He rocked his hips languidly, savoring the sensations and not thinking ahead at all. After a few moments, Ted pulled back and introduced a second finger, stretching him carefully, watching his face intently in the lamplight for any signs of pain. It was the first time he'd tried two, but Murray didn't seem to mind. His eyes were open, blurred and unfocused, a thoughtless smile curving his luscious mouth.

"Still okay, baby?" Ted asked and was answered by a wordless guh. Taking that as a yes, he put on a condom, slicked his cock and knelt between Murray's thighs, spreading him gently. Murray couldn't help tensing at the feel of the thick, blunt head against his entrance and Ted hesitated before pressing carefully forward. The tension only increased and he pulled back, massaging the narrow ass with both hands. "You're all right," he murmured. "Just relax, baby. You're all right."

For a few seconds it seemed to have worked and he rested his body gently on Murray's back, holding him warmly. But as the head of his cock passed through the tight ring, Murray stiffened again, and the wordless sound he made was one of fear.

"You're okay, baby," he whispered, only just managing to resist the need to thrust.

"No. No, Ted, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He was chanting it like a mantra against his lover's anger and Ted let go at once. Lying down beside him, he drew Murray closer and kissed him, slow and sweet.

"It's all right," he murmured. "Baby, it's all right, I promise."

"It's not that I don't want to," Murray pleaded. "I just—I felt—it makes me feel…"

"Trapped? Is that it, kiddo?"

"Yes," he admitted, deeply shamed. "I don't think I can have you on my back like that. It's just—it's too much. I'm so sorry."

"Don't you apologize to me, Murray. Not about that. It's okay."

"No, it isn't. I want—no, I _need_—this. I just—I don't know how."

"Well, if you _need_ it, I have an idea. You trust me?"

"Of course. This—this isn't your fault."

"No, I know that. You're gonna be scared no matter what. But I think I can make it easier. Come here." Ted kissed him one last time and got out of bed, tugging Murray along by the hand.

"I hope you're not planning on bending me over the sofa, because I don't think that will help," he said, forcing out a dry little chuckle.

"Shut up," Ted replied with a grin, still heading that way.

The sofa was still at the foot of the bed where they'd left it four years ago, and Ted sat down, propping himself in the corner made by the back and the high armrest. He pulled Murray down into his lap, cradling him gently, kissing and caressing as the frightened man melted in his arms.

"That's good," he whispered, teasing Murray sweetly with well-lubed fingers. "Are you ready to try again?"

"Sure. Yes, anything." So easy to say now, when he was on top.

"Don't say _anything_," Ted laughed. "We're just gonna try this. Turn around, baby."

Murray was vaguely confused, wanting to face him, but Ted's hands were firm and turned him the other way, pulling Murray's back up against his chest, gripping his skinny thighs and folding his knees up under his arms. Murray got the idea quickly and set his heels, bracing his hands on Ted's arms and lifting himself up. Ted held his hips, guiding Murray carefully down onto his thick cock. Murray balanced on the balls of his feet, his right hand on the back of the sofa and his left arm wrapped around Ted's neck, hissing through his teeth at the burn.

"It's okay, just go slow," Ted murmured, squeezing his hips to restrain him. Murray worked him in gradually, more slowly than he ever had before, and was amazed to find that it didn't hurt. That it was still Ted, exactly as he had always been, and when he had taken all that his lover had to give, Murray lay back against his broad chest and sighed deeply. Ted wrapped his arms around him, cupping his cheek in one hand, and Murray turned his face into it as he began to move, biting Ted's thumb to hold back his moans. "That's my good boy," Ted breathed, sounding suspiciously close to tears. "You like that? Is that what you wanted?"

Murray bit down harder and grunted softy, a small uh that sent shivers down Ted's spine and made his cock throb. His hand went to Murray's shaft and stroked firmly, as he pulled Murray's head back and bit his throat, feeling as well as hearing the string of _uh, uh, uh_s that accompanied his every move. Murray braced himself and rose up, only to sink him deep again as Ted slowly rolled his hips, helping him find the angle and rhythm that he needed.

"Ted," he sighed around the restrictive hand. "God, Ted, that's good. Oh, oh, _fuck_, that's good." Then Ted was thumbing his slit and he could no longer form words. He flung his right arm back around Ted's neck and pulled himself up, thrusting harder, moaning a litany of _oh_s and _uh_s that set his lover's blood on fire. The night he found Murray on his doorstep, bleeding and terrified, it had been a real possibility that they would never share this again. But that night seemed very long ago as Murray writhed and flexed in his arms, his moans changing to whines as Ted jerked him faster and his climax approached.

"Ted—_oh—oh—fuck—Ted_," he mumbled, still biting the strong thumb, now crooked over his lower teeth.

"That's right, Murray, baby, come for me," Ted murmured against his throat. "Fuck me, little geek boy. Fuck me, like only you can." His broad hand slipped down to fondle Murray's tightening sac, pressed the rim of his hole where their bodies joined, and slid back up to squeeze the tip as Murray came.

He shrieked frantically, whipping his head back on Ted's shoulder, his long body arching and convulsing, bound by those strong arms that would never let him go. It seemed to last forever, leaving him wiped out, shuddering and choking back sobs. When he finally collapsed, Ted retrieved his badly bitten thumb and stroked Murray's cheeks, wiping away sweat and tears. After a moment, Murray turned his head and kissed him, sharing between them the flavor of satisfaction and tense excitement, Ted's hand still on his face, controlling and comforting him as the kiss went on and on. Murray forgot everything but that sweet touch and warm mouth, until he tried to turn more into it and found his lover still hard within him.

"You aren't finished," he laughed, biting lightly at Ted's lower lip.

"I am if you want me to be."

"No, love, I want to feel you come."

Ted hardly heard anything after the word love. His heart jumped in his chest and took off racing, pounding deafeningly in his ears, and when Murray pulled off, the mixed signals confused him. But he was stretching out on the sofa, bent knees spread in an unmistakable invitation, and Ted understood that much. He knelt on the old, sprung cushions and ran his hands over Murray's back, testing his reaction. He was answered by a growling moan and pushed it further, hands sliding over narrow hips, pressing into him with his uninjured thumb. Murray pushed back hard.

"All right, baby, hold on," he said, trying not to laugh with the sheer joy of it. Carefully, he steadied Murray's hips with his hands and slipped into him again, slow and easy, holding him still when Murray wanted to thrust. He pushed deep, paused for just a moment, then pulled back and delved in again. Murray's soft moans told him it was all right and Ted relaxed his grip, allowing him to move. He was immediately glad he did. That soft, tight heat was just what he wanted, what he needed, and Murray knew exactly how to wriggle and twist his hips, pulling himself most of the way off before slamming back, crying out as if his own pleasure was as great as Ted's. It couldn't be, and were Ted not so lost in his own passion, that would have worried him. But he was, and it didn't. This was _his_ Murray, brave and enthusiastic, eager to please, and Ted forgot all about the frightened, weeping man of the last five weeks. Right up until he wrapped his arm around Murray's waist and hauled him back firmly to meet his thrusts. Murray's spine stiffened in sudden resistance and the sound he made stabbed Ted in the heart even before his brain identified it.

"Baby," he gasped, fighting to reason with the small part of his brain not currently lodged in his prick. "Murray, what…?"

But Murray only shook his head and picked the rhythm up again, rocking hard and clenching tired muscles so that Ted was drowned in waves of pleasure, making him come with a strangled cry as he touched Murray deeper than anyone else ever had or ever would. Shaken, Ted sat back on his heels and tried to pull out. But Murray went with him, settling in his lap and laying his head back on Ted's shoulder, still shifting subtly to give his lover more of that painful pleasure he liked while coming down. Murray didn't normally like it that much, but tonight he did, because it was Ted. He wanted even his pain to belong to this man, to erase all other forms of hurt.

"Okay, baby?" Ted whispered kissing his cheek. "You all right?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You went all stiff on me for a second."

"Oh. No, it didn't hurt. It—it startled me a little when—when you grabbed me like that. It—I was—surprised."

"They did that to you?" he asked simply, stroking Murray's chest with soothing hands.

"Yes," Murray breathed, the word almost inaudible but the fact of it loud and clear. "It doesn't matter, though. You own it now, like you own the rest of me. Someday, when I'm a little further along, you'll bend me over a table and own that again, too."

"Baby, I sure hope so. I want this so much, Murray. You and me, like we used to be. Only better. I'm gonna treat you better, like you deserve. No more hiding and lying and acting like I'm ashamed that you're my man. Because you are, you know."

"I know that, Lieutenant. I've always known, and I don't care if anyone else does or not." He half twisted and hugged Ted, to his chest now rather than his back. Ted hissed again at the burning ecstasy of Murray's body squeezing his over-sensitive cock, but when Murray tried to rise, he held on.

"Stay with me, baby. Hold me a little longer."

"Are you sure?"

"I can stand it as long as you can."

Murray relaxed as much as he could, given the awkwardness of his position, and traded sweet kisses until his lover grew soft and slipped away.

It was after midnight by the time they finished their shower and returned to bed, Murray sleepy and pliable, and Ted too exhausted to see straight. But he was content as he lay down with the lean figure of his lover in his arms, and they both slept soundly all that night.

***

Ted woke alone in the morning, nearly an hour before dawn, and was immediately thrown back to the early days, when they were here the first time and Murray kept trying to escape. He sat up in alarm, looking first toward the kitchen, which was empty, and then toward the bathroom, where the door stood open. It was true. Murray was gone.

"Fuck," he muttered, scrambling out of bed and into his clothes. "Fuckity, fuck, fuck, damn it to hell." He went to the bathroom to make sure Murray wasn't collapsed in the shower, and then ran outside. The front porch was empty, as was the chopping block where Murray used to go to think. Ted gave it some thought and then started down the path toward the river. It was the one place Murray might reasonably have gone. Unless he'd learned more about the woods in two weeks than Ted suspected, in which case, there was no hope of finding him until he wanted to be found.

But Ted followed the path, finding his way with a heavy flashlight, and sure enough, there was Murray sitting on a rock overlooking the water. The moon was down, the stars invisible, and the thin man was only a silhouette cut from black paper in the beam of Ted's light. He turned around after a moment, the lenses of his glasses throwing slivers of light back at his lover, who didn't quite know how to react. When he'd started out, the only thing he wanted was to make sure the kid was okay. Now he wasn't even sure of that.

"Hi, Lieutenant," Murray said quietly. "What brings you out here so early?"

"I was gonna ask you that." He approached the rock with some caution and perched by Murray's side. "I was a little bit worried. You making a habit of going out alone in the dark now?"

"No, not a habit. I just—I needed to see if I could. You know," he added, leaning back against Ted's sturdy shoulder, "it's true what they say. It's almost light, but it's also the darkest time of night, in between moonset and sunrise."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Like when those men grabbed me. It was about this time of morning, dark like this. I never saw the sun that day. Nick and Cody, they tease me about missing days by staying in my cabin and working, but it's not the same. I see the sun through the portholes and feel the change in temperature as it rises and sets. The basement wasn't like that. It was just stuffy air and artificial light from the time they took me down to the time they brought me back up. It was the longest day of my life, but at the same time, I missed it."

Ted had no idea what to say and put an arm around him instead.

"Am I upsetting you, Lieutenant?"

"No. You've never talked about it. If that's what you need to do, go right ahead."

"There's not much else to say. I needed to see if I could go out alone in the darkest hour, and I can. At least in the woods. I'll have to try again when we get back to town. Baby steps, you know."

"It won't help if I go with you, will it?"

"No. I can do anything with you beside me, so it wouldn't really count."

Ted nodded silently. Murray could go out walking alone in the hour before dawn if he wanted to. It would be perfectly safe, because Ted would be following him at a distance at all times. Maybe for the rest of his life.


End file.
